Dear Hazardous Helper,
It seems weird talking to you, since it is always the other way around. But still, Hello from the other side (If you’re really the voice inside my head, you unfortunately would have loved this). I’d like to think I was the master of my intentions, of my ideals, of my situations, of myself, but really, I don’t even know if I could survive without your help. I still remember that time when you went off to discuss our (or your, possessives don’t exactly work here) crush, my entire functional routine went in disarray. I remember that time when you quietly whispered my Grandmother’s tale of Heaven and Hell, to put that piece of chocolate back in the counter of that supermarket. I remember how you helped me clear up my misconceptions of people from other faiths being worse. In fact, you made me realize that people from any faith, many faiths, or no faith at all could be gems I’d fall in love with, if they were good people. I also remember you telling me that I look good in orange, or that I could sing well, but we all make our mistakes, bud, don’t worry. You’ve been helpful.
There were times and nights and days, that I would have died of anxiety and discouragement, had you not been by my side. Correction. Had you not been in my head. You helped me through pimples and poetry and friends and foes and exams and exes and girlfriends and ‘girl friends’. Yes, that last one was one monstrous difference you painfully made me understand through those years and I am glad and grateful for all of it and I want you to know it, that all these years when you’ve been speaking to me, I wanted to SHOUT back and thank you for what you have been doing. I wanted to apologize and being such a stupid, assuming person, such a difficult human to guide, and such a late learner. Really, you deserved every bit of the gratitude I had, and will have for you.
In hindsight, I had probably never questioned your presence but lately, I think you have gotten into a dilemma. I acknowledge that you have had my best interests at heart, but now your words are overpoweringly strong. You know the reasons of why I took my decisions. You laughed the loudest when I wrote my puns, and you were the one whining all night when I had to study Chemistry. So now when you tell me that academics is the best bet for me, I have to call out your hypocrisy. You know I hate it, you know YOU hate it, so why on earth do you think about forcing a way towards a dead end.
You helped me when I began to make those goddamnly funny troll videos. The ideas you provided were insane, to say the least. And you pulled them up in my head so nonchalantly, that I started to believe that we’re pretty good at this. And that we should continue. Now you are telling me, that I’m wasting my time? Come on, dude. Now you are just being humble. You can rock this. Believe yourself, like you made me believe in me.
It was you who told me how I had my own identity, that I wasn’t made to be part of the crowd, I was made to cause the crowd. How my grades and marks and pay cheques weren’t a true parameter for my success. And how I could be anything I wanted to be, as long as I was spreading happiness, as long as I was happy. And I can’t even begin to tell you how ecstatic that made me feel, so it is lucky that you already know. So now when you tell me that I should, maybe, try to fit in society, that I should tone myself down, and consider doing what is considered proper, and appropriate for people like me, I feel betrayed. We were in this together, and now you are embarrassed of me? I could not believe it.
There was something else you did that broke my heart. When I didn’t listen to you, you called me insecure? OF COURSE, I AM INSECURE. Do you not remember those sleepless nights where I was worried about my being a total and complete failure, and you listing the many things I (under your supervision) did right? Do you not remember how I continuously and exasperatingly told you about the many things that could go wrong, and you calmly reminded me of the countless that could go right? You were the light at the end of the dark tunnel, for me. And now, you are closing the very door? Your whispers about the dangers that lie ahead aren’t doing me any good, friend.
I know you mean well for me, I know you wish to see no troubles for me, no more pain for me to suffer, you have already seen plenty of it. I know that you want to protect me from preventable hazards. But, my friend, this is my destiny, and I know this, because, you have told this to me, in better times. And the truth doesn’t come with an expiry date. I know what is right for me, I know what I want to achieve. And I would hate for it to happen with my overcrossing the one friend who was always an ally to me. Dear Voice In My Head, I don’t want to be afraid anymore. You always were, and will always be an invaluable help to me, but in trying to avoid hazards in my life, I am afraid, you have become a little hazardous for me. It is about time you let me tackle the demons you have been warning me about. It is about time you let me become the leader of my actions, once more.